“It would be nice to have a nice ass,” William Wickers said to his wife, Wendy, and seventeen-year-old daughter, Willow, at their dining room table as they ate Papa John’s pizza. “A sweet seat with a pleasing heart shape; two huge cheeks and a well-defined crack that accepts ruches with ease. A real apple-bottom rear that will catch the eyes of the executives upstairs and encourage them to finally give me a promotion.”
Wendy set her crust down. “I’m confused. You’ve never mentioned anything like this before.”
“It’s a desire I’ve harbored for months, but only now have I built the courage to express it,” William said. “An undeniable can men can’t help but ogle. A good, thick keister that wags from side to side when I walk past the executive offices, attracting perverse leers from the vice presidents. It’s the only way to get the salary and job title I deserve.”
Willow’s eyes ping-ponged between her father and her perturbed mother.
Wendy pat her mouth with a paper towel, then pursed her lips. “Is this the example you want to set for our daughter? That success in life isn’t based on hard work and merit, but on sexualized physical attributes? I think it’s disgusting that you would suggest this in front of Willow.”
William nodded, having expected this reaction. “Sometimes to get what one is owed, he has to drain his retirement accounts, take out a second mortgage on the house, and schedule a dangerous surgery in Arkansas.”
Wendy gasped. “You’re not serious.”
William nodded. “I’m doing what’s right for our family,” he said.
“Don’t listen to him,” Wendy said to Willow. “He’s speaking from an outdated point of view. Your generation has evolved past these crude obsessions.”
“This is going to work,” William said to Willow. “Men love huge asses.”
Wendy wailed and ran upstairs.
William smiled at Willow, and then stood to clean up.
Willow watched her father walk from the dining room to the kitchen, for the first time in her life taking note of the flat ass in his khaki pants.
*
William returned from Arkansas wearing nothing but blood-caked bandages on his massive ass. Wendy couldn’t look at her husband as they sat surrounding Willow at the dinner table — William sitting up two inches taller than he had before. He winced and moaned and grunted from the pain.
Wendy set her pizza slice down. She took in a deep breath and gagged. “I can smell the scabs,” she said. “You made a life-ruining mistake that’s going to cost you your job, and then our house. I can’t be a part of this depraved scheme.”
“It’s going to work,” William said. “My ass is finally fat and the vice presidents will notice me and give me the promotion I deserve, showering our family with riches.”
“I want a divorce,” Wendy said. “Willow can’t grow up in this amoral environment. The example you’re setting is backwards and wrong.”
“Give me one day,” William said. “One work day to prove to you that the only thing that held me back from success was my pancake ass.”
A tear fell out of Wendy’s eye while Willow looked up at her father, trying to understand the adult world.
*
William wept at the dining table. Painful, loud moans as he ignored his pizza. He sat crumpled over, burying his red face in his hands as he choked words at his wife and daughter through the sobs. “They laughed at me,” he said. “The men at work leered and ogled and stared down my big, inviting ass, just like I wanted them to. I strutted this dumptruck back and forth past their offices all day long, wiggling it and shaking it and trying to make the cheeks clap together. I thought they loved it, but after a minute they started laughing, pointing at me, calling me names. They’re not sexually attracted to what I have to offer at all. This has been a horrible mistake. You were right, sweetie. I ruined my career and all of our lives. I’m going to go to the garage and kill myself.”
William stood from the table and his wife didn’t stop him. He turned towards the kitchen, whipping his enormous bottom over the table — knocking the pizza box to the floor — when Willow noticed something.
“Wait, dad,” she said.
“Don’t try to stop me,” he wailed. “The world may be rotten, but I’m rotten-er.”
“No, dad, I think I know what it is,” she said. “You got this stunning ass installed but you haven’t learned to operate it yet. See, right here? Visible panty lines. Your big cheeks press hard against your khaki pants now, and you didn’t factor in how distinct the edges of your briefs would become. They’re impossible to deny, these hard outlines crisscrossing your cheeks. That’s what they were laughing at.”
William sniffled, began to smile. “What am I supposed to do?”
“A thong,” she said.
William scoffed. “I’m no strip-man, sweetie. I may want to attract attention from men, but I have to draw a line at sexy outfits. That’s inappropriate and unprofessional.”
“No, dad,” Willow said. “Men may associate thongs with eroticism, but they’re often functional, used to avoid embarrassing panty lines under tight-fitting clothing. Women can wear them to look classy and elegant, not just to look like strippers.”
William slowly turned, his gigantic ass knocking fine china off the kitchen counter. “Is this true, Wendy?”
Wendy rolled her eyes, then nodded.
A wide smile stretched over William’s face. “I won’t kill myself for one more day if you give me twenty-four more hours before filing for divorce?”
Wendy shrugged.
“Also,” William added, “I’ll need to borrow your largest thong.”
*
Wendy spent the day packing her things and arranging for her and Willow to stay with Wendy’s sister for a little while.
But William kicked open the door and twerked ass-first through the kitchen holding two pizza boxes and wearing a brand-new designer suit. As he danced, he flipped up his jacket to show off the black waistband of Wendy’s thong pulled up high on his lower back above his pants. “It worked!” he screamed. “Girls, it worked!”
Wendy and Willow joined William in the kitchen, where he shook his giant ass while he told them the thong had solved everything. He was no longer the office laughing-stock; instead, he was its prize. He’d paced in front of the vice presidents’ offices all day long, tempting the men with his hefty ass, and by five o’clock they’d huddled together and unanimously agreed to make William a vice president.
William hugged Willow tight and thanked her.
Willow smiled. “I may not like that this is how the world works, but as I mature I’m beginning to understand the rules of our repugnant society. While some may call it unfair, I believe it’s in everyone’s best interest to strategically navigate the unjust system to their advantage. So if dad needs to have this big ass and wear mom’s thong to be properly valued by his employer and make enough money to send me to fashion school, then so be it. We’re all just doing the best we can in a rigged game ruled by perverts.”
William and Wendy wiped tears from their eyes and the family sat down to enjoy their pizza. William ate two extra slices to keep his ass nice and big.
