Bringing Back the Bean Counters

This is Tom Yates, CEO, with a quick announcement about a course-correction in our organization’s structure. Pembroke Consulting Group has been one of the world’s largest and most profitable professional services firms for over six decades, and it was a mistake on my part to disband our entire Accounting, Finance, and Audit teams — over 17,000 experienced leaders across nine countries — with one curt email that said, “Fuck the Bean Counters.” As many of you know, the majority of our profits derive from our world-class Accounting Services team, and the four months we’ve tried to operate without them have been an unmitigated disaster. My decision to sever ties with the soulless, money-grubbing squares was an impulsive one fueled by an attempt to bond with my teenage son. He suggested we watch a documentary called Hated: GG Allin and the Murder Junkies, which profiles the notoriously offensive punk rock musician known for his violent and obscene live performances. Desperate to connect with my son, I convinced myself I believed in GG’s anti-establishment ethos, detesting the world’s craven number-crunchers in their phony little suits who march into offices every morning causing more chaos and destruction via their spreadsheets and casually-committed white collar crimes than GG ever did with his shocking but ultimately harmless onstage defecation stunts. At the time, I believed I was going to positively impact the world by firing 17,000 heartless drones who do not understand art, passion, or love. That was all a mistake. Our clients across the board have been confused and litigious. Our internal bookkeeping system immediately fell apart, and I’m bracing myself for a nightmarish tax season. But more importantly, I have been lonely, walking the empty office remembering all the accountants I fired whom I used to consider friends. I spray painted an anarchy symbol on a wall and cut my bare chest with a piece of a broken bottle one afternoon, but it felt phony and forced. When I sopped the blood off my stomach with a hard brown paper towel in the restroom, I got a look at myself and realized this version of me — the punk rocker — was the craven one, putting on a mask and pretending to be someone he’s not. Like all of you, I derive sincere satisfaction from my work. I find helping corporate clients with their accounting needs intellectually stimulating and fulfilling. My suit is no costume. It’s as authentic to me, and to all of you, as full-frontal public nudity was to GG Allin. To be punk is to be yourself, and that’s what we have been doing here all along. I am proud to announce we’re re-hiring all 17,000 bean counters. I am thrilled to have you back.

To show my gratitude, I’ve scheduled an all-hands company retreat to Oslo, where we’ll enjoy some exciting team building activities, all of which involve burning down churches. My son recently showed me a documentary about Norwegian black metal music and it’s given me a lot of fantastic ideas about the future of Pembroke Consulting Group.