Recalling Our Argon Gas Insulated Double Hung Vinyl Windows

United Window and Door is announcing a recall on 80,000 vinyl windows sold between 2020 and 2022. These faulty units contain human-produced methane gas and splatters of diarrhea between the two panes of glass instead of the heat-insulating argon gas that was advertised.

I want to apologize to all of our customers for any confusion or inconvenience this may have caused. There was a communication error at our Ohio plant, which resulted in these windows being pumped full of liquid feces and awful, green flatulence before being shipped and installed in homes across the country. The instructions specified that the plant workers were to assemble a double-pane window and fill the gap with argon, a colorless, odorless gas that has been used by window manufacturers for years to help insulate a room and minimize the transfer of heat through the window glass. Unfortunately, one worker at the plant, Greg Cowdery, misunderstood and believed his assignment was to line up two panes of glass, pull his pants down, sit nude on top of the raw glass, and fill the gap with his own gas. Obviously this was wrong, and we should have caught it sooner, but Greg worked nights, often unsupervised. Windows shipped in the front half of 2020, when Greg began working with us, are noticeably less damaged than later units. These windows contain relatively clean gas and display a brown-green tint, which many customers may not notice. Rolling into 2021, however, Greg’s intestines and ass began to show signs of wear. By then, he’d farted into 15,000 windows, and his anus was no longer as tight and controlled as in the year prior. The 2021 units feature raw streaks of black-brown skids sandwiched between the glass. Select units host full turds. Workers on the morning shift reported that Greg began looking thin and sick during this period. In early 2022, there was no doubt Greg had made himself ill. Several customers complained about these windows, which are full of thin, watery diarrhea, corn, seeds, and blood. Many are full to the brim with blood. These units are the smoking gun that tipped us off, after Roberta Pleasance, of Hilton Head, South Carolina, had eighteen 35.75-inch windows installed in her new beach house and was upset when she stepped inside and discovered all her windows were stained red, with bits of undigested carrot floating in the brine.

After receiving the complaint, we conducted a swift but thorough investigation and identified Greg as the culprit, based on the trail of blood leading from the parking lot to his ass, as he sat his scabbed anus on another new window. I pulled him down, took him out back, and personally executed him with a bullet through the back of his skull.

Over the following weeks, though, productivity slowed at our Ohio plant. The windows were no longer filled with farts and shit and blood and grape stems, but instead of making 700 units a day, the crew was making 400. Greg regularly delivered 150 a day, so I asked the crew what explained the additional drop in their efficiency, and they told me it was Greg’s absence. They said his relentless work ethic was inspiring, and he encouraged them all to excel. They said he was always doing more than he believed he was supposed to do, to help the company: constantly researching foods to eat that would make him pass more gas, practicing air-swallowing techniques, and performing exercises to strengthen his butt cheeks and his butt hole. His ass would tear open and he’d start bleeding, the team told me, but Greg would keep on going, munching another cabbage, sitting on fresh windows, and filling them up with everything he had until the sun rose. Never complaining, never slowing down.

He may have misunderstood his assignment, but Greg Cowdery worked harder than anyone here, myself included. On a good day, I can force two bowel movements. Greg put in the work and was able to routinely squeeze some type of gas, liquid, or whole duke into our windows one hundred and fifty times a day. He was the most dedicated employee in the history of United Window and Door, and I regret burying my pistol into his dirty hair and squeezing the trigger. We are hereby renaming the company after Greg and I am proud to announce I am recalling the recall. Those shit-filled windows are monuments to a great man. You should be happy to have them in your home, and when the summer sun hits them and the heat passes straight through the glass, boiling the diarrhea they contain, I hope you think of Greg Cowdery’s shredded ass, and I hope that hot smell motivates you to give every task your all, whether you understand the assignment or not.