The Other Offices

It’s come to my attention that rivalries have developed between our offices in San Francisco, Austin, and Toronto. I want to make sure everyone in the organization knows I hear you and I take these concerns seriously. Managers in our fantastic San Francisco office have expressed frustrations that some of their counterparts in Austin are dim-witted Neanderthals who seem to be drunk during the work day. When I heard these allegations, I immediately stopped the conference call I was hosting, got on a plane, and personally investigated the matter. In speaking with the managers at our cutting-edge Austin office, I gathered more information on their experiences working with their counterparts in Toronto, who, according to the Austin team, are lazy, moronic dumbasses who don’t know how to use computers and wouldn’t be qualified to work at a fucking Burger King. One of my goals as CEO is to foster an environment where every employee is empowered to do their best work, and so I made it a top priority to dive deeper into these worrisome claims. I flew to our world-class office in Toronto and met with the managers there, who let me know that their counterparts in San Francisco are inbred jackasses with under-developed brains, who must have been born on some sort of nuclear swamp to be as stone-cold stupid as they are; and on top of their natural idiocy, they have zero work ethic and seem to clock in one hour a day while spending the rest of their time bitching about everyone else instead of doing any fucking work.

With all this great feedback to pore through, I cleared my calendar and reviewed each individual complaint myself. I’m proud to say that after this thorough analysis of everyone’s valid concerns, I’ve come to what I hope is a productive conclusion that will guide the future of this fantastic organization. What I learned is that every single one of you, across all three offices, is a birdbrained dunce, an incompetent dope as sluggish as you are thick-headed. Barely-functional simpletons who create far more problems than you solve. I have no idea how any of you dimwits make it to the office without dying each morning. But this finding isn’t anything to be ashamed of. It’s not just us. Everyone working at a desk in an office anywhere the world is an easily-frustrated, constantly-confused nitwit who tricked someone into employing them. This is who people are; this is what work is.

The path forward is not to streamline communication or adopt new project-management software. No, our future is all about lowering our expectations of each other. Stop setting impossible goals for your colleagues like reading more than two sentences in an email or preparing anything before showing up to a meeting they scheduled. From now on, the expectation we have for each other will be that no one knows how to read, and no one knows where they are, or why they’re here. At all times, expect your co-workers to be baffled, out of the loop, and mad. Plan ahead for your colleagues blaming you for their ineptitude. We are all overly-confident dullards who got lucky. So let’s cut each other some slack, embrace our shared incapacity, and understand that simple tasks and basic projects are going to take a very long time here, because, again, we’re all stupid and terrible at our jobs.

I look forward to working alongside you on many more frustrating projects, and to one day dying in an office fire caused by one of you making a mistake with your USB-powered mug warmer.