To continue providing our community with award-winning local news coverage, we are excited to launch the Roswell Gazette Members Circle. Roswell residents can join the Members Circle for a small monthly donation, and in recognition of their generous support, members will be rewarded with perks, including an exclusive Gazette mug, a subscription to a members-only email newsletter, and early access to the news via an innovative windowing strategy I’ve pioneered.
Starting now, there are two distinct classes of news readers in Roswell. Paid participants in the Members Circle have access to breaking news reporting in real time on our website and in the weekly print edition they will receive on publication date. Roswell residents who choose not to subscribe to the Members Circle are still able to read our free, advertiser-supported coverage of school board meetings and community events, but only after the one-week Members Circle exclusivity window has passed.
Members are forbidden from sharing any news with non-members before the window is up. Non-members will be reprimanded if caught discussing upcoming arts & crafts festivals or school redistricting plans before seven days have passed. If suspected of stealing news from Members during the first week, non-members will be put on trial before a judge and jury made up of Members. If found guilty of mentioning an event that happened in our town within a week of its occurrence, the non-member will be disciplined by The Protectors, a gang of twelve men I hired to patrol Roswell and identify news thieves. Big and mean and cloaked in leather hoods, the Protectors will stalk the streets of our parks and farmers market, growling and slapping bats into their palms to make sure Members are discussing the news only with other paid Members before the seven-day window expires, at which point all residents are encouraged to discuss the Gazette’s wedding announcements and human interest stories about unique members of this community we all love to call home.
I’ve given the Protectors permission to enter private neighborhoods and walk all the way up to residents’ doors in order to listen to their conversations and, when necessary, install recording devices so we at Gazette HQ can ensure everyone in town is discussing the upcoming library book sale or new hours at the recycling center during the appropriate windows. If a non-member is caught explicitly violating the rules, I will waive his or her right to a trial and command the Protector to enter the home and physically punish the news thief, violently teaching him or her a lesson about the value of journalism until the clock strikes 7 days after the local event, at which point the gruesome torture will end and the non-member will be free to speak or think about the city council proposal to add a turn lane to Rucker Road at no charge.
The Protectors are not cheap. But I think you’ll quickly realize it’s worth every penny of $498 a month to keep these men out of your home and away from your son’s baseball tournament. The freedom to discuss bond referendums and Eagle Scout projects in real time without the threat of sadistic physical abuse is a great perk I’m thrilled to offer my friends and neighbors. So, we invite you to join us. We cannot do this without your support.
As a thank you to our Members, the names of our paid supporters will be published weekly in the print edition of the newspaper. And if you choose to not sign up today, your name will appear on a different list that is shared only with The Protectors.